The D11 Form
by hobbitsdoitbetter
Summary: Ever wonder how the army keeps track of all those unfortunate females who fall victim to the Curse of Jackson? Well here Jack uses the Air Force's favourite tool to do just that: paperwork...


_Disclaimer_ This fanfiction is not written for profit and no infrngement of copyright is intended

**FORM D11#XRJ**

**DOMAIN**: STARGATE COMMAND, CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN

**SUPERVISING OFFICER**: **_Brigadier General Jack O'Neill_**

_Please be aware that in filling in this form you are agreeing to be bound by the National Security Act (2003), and that the repetition of, or inference to, any information here gathered to any third party in whatever capacity without the express authorisation of the SGC will be viewed as an act of treason and will result in your imprisonment for an unspecified period at the government's discretion without the possibility for trial or parole._

**PLEASE USE BLOCK CAPITALS. FILL IN SECTION 1. SECTION 2 FOR OFFICE USE ONLY.**

**NAME: **

**PLACE OF RESIDENCE:**

**SPECIES (OPTIONAL):**

1) **PLEASE STATE WHETHER YOU ARE**:

a- Alien Princess

b- Alien Bounty Hunter

c- Ancient Tok'ra Symbiote

d- Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter

2) **PLEASE SPECIFY WHETHER DANIEL JACKSON IS NOW HELD ON YOUR WORLD AS**

a- A Hammer of the Gods

b- A Paragon of Masculine Aesthetics

c- Fertility Avatar for the Local Goddess Cult

d- Your Idea of an Honourable Ritual Sacrifice

3) **SINCE DOCTOR JACKSON'S VISIT TO YOUR PLANET, HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED**

a- Natural disasters (volcanoes, earthquakes, etc)

b- Female Rioting and a Breakdown of Traditional Adherence to Wedlock

c- Interstellar Carnage (battle, invasion, etc.)

d- A Trebled Birth-rate (if higher, please specify)

4) **WHILE IN YOUR CARE WAS DOCTOR JACKSON DIRECTLY REPONSIBLE FOR**

a- Civil War

b- The Separation of Church and State

c- A Spate of Mysterious Pregnancies

d- Solving the Mystery of Your Existence

5) **WHILE IN YOUR CARE DID DOCTOR JACKSON RECEIVE **

a- Blunt Head Trauma (Any visual evidence of whacky behaviour caused will be sold on the internet to buy toys for widows and orphans. No, really.)

b- Inexplicable Damage to Wrists (possibly caused by handcuffs, ropes, etc.)

c- An Artificial Personality

d- Suspiciously Good Care from an All Female Nursing Staff

6) **AS AN OUTCOME OF HIS VISIT DO YOU NOW REQUIRE**

a- Riot Gear and Training (Gender Specific assault tactics available on Request)

b- A New City Centre (Please note that damage caused by Brigidier General Jack O'Neill AT ANY POINT in his career will not be reimbursed).

c- New Major Religion (Earth has several which would appear to be Jackson Resistant)

d- Large-scale, Long-term Psychiatric Counselling

7) **DO YOU FEEL DOCTOR JACKSON'S VISIT HAS GIVEN YOU**

a- A Greater Appreciation for Archaeology

b- A Greater Incentive to Build Weapons of Mass Destruction

c- The Will to throw off the Shackles of Alien Enslavement

d- A Keener Appreciation of Your Own Mortality

e- All of the Above

8) **WHILE ON YOUR PLANET DID DOCTOR JACKSON DISCOVER**

a- An Ancient Outpost

b- A Goa'uld Plot To Enslave Humanity

c- An Entirely Foreign Alien Culture with a Curiously Canadian-Sounding Accent

d- His Way to the Women's Quarters

9) **DOCTOR JACKSON IS KNOWN FOR BEING UNLUCKY IN PHYSICAL COMBAT; WHILE IN YOUR CARE DID HE SUFFER FROM**

a- Mainly Head Wounds

b- Mainly Torso Wounds (Please be Honest; Losing his Shirt is a Common Occurrence)

c- Total Physical Carnage

d- A Single Dashing Cut to One Cheek

10) **IF DOCTOR JACKSON WERE TO RETURN TO YOUR PLANET WOULD HE BE MET WITH**

a- Government Officials and a Civic Ceremony

b- A Delighted Mob of Women

c- An Armed Guard

d- Your Planet's Population, bearing Torches and Pitch-forks

e- All of the Above

_DECLARATION_:

_I Declare that all information here submitted is truthful and honest to the best of my knowledge, and all particulars can be corroborated by other parties._

_SIGNED __DATE_

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

**SECTION 2**

**OFFICE USE ONLY**

**Adjudicating officer**: **_Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter_**

**Mission Report**:

_Sir, don't you think that this is just a tiny bit sadistic?_

**No Carter, no I don't. We have to keep an eye on young Daniel, after all, and you're the one who keeps saying I don't take enough of an interest in his hobbies, one of which is getting felt up by alien women. You have much to learn, young Jedi…**

_I'll be sure to pass that message along when I see Daniel. He's supposed to be helping you with those pesky trade delegations from Osiris today, isn't he? Hmm, wonder how that'll go when he finds out what you've done…_

**Rats! You cannot threaten me, I'M THE MAN! There must be some way to change your mind. What can The Man do for you, Carter? What can he do?**

_Stop referring to himself as The Man, for one thing., Sir. As for Daniel I think actually having forms printed up is going a little far…_

Em, guys? Is today some kind of Jaffa holy day that I don't know about? Because Teal'c keeps smiling at me, and it's getting kinda creepy. So do the nurses. And the female technicians. And the female marines. Has someone been writing about me on the ladies' bathroom walls again, because dammit Jack, you said that was sorted out!

**It was, grasshopper. Enhance your calm. The culprit shipped out to Atlantis with Weir and the peanut gallery. Fear not!**

Thank God! I've had enough of that "Energiser Bunny," thing to last me a lifetime! But what's that you're filling in, Sam? Don't tell me there's ANOTHER useless piece of paper-work we have to fill out after each mission now? C'mon Jack, you're The Man, can't you cut down on this stuff?

_Why yes, Sir,** can't you?**_

**No, that would be taking advantage of The Manliness. **

Well, Frobisher sent me down to tell you that you're gonna need to have your vaccinations re-done, and then you'll have to do your physical. Something about General Hammond wanting to make a full report to Homeland Security about your health. So you should head down to the Infirmary. There's six big needles waiting for you, I'm afraid…

**We'll pick this up later, Carter**.

_If The Man can still walk, Sir… Daniel, why are you laughing?_

Do you know, Sam, that I have been hospitalized over 50 times since I came here ? I'm the first name every nurse learns when they come to Cheyenne. They LOVE me.

_You know about the form, don't you?_

Hell yeah!

_What happens when Jack finds out that you're responsible for him being punctuated, so to speak?_

Mathos Pathos, Sam. I'll be Ascending if anyone needs me.

**_Ugh! Boys! I'm moving to Atlantis!_**


End file.
